


The (De)Evolution of a Holiday Party

by hollow_echos



Category: WTF Evolution (Tumblr)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 23:12:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollow_echos/pseuds/hollow_echos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Evolution wants to plan a holiday party. Evolution's Manager and Natural Selection think this is a Really Bad Idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The (De)Evolution of a Holiday Party

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laughing_Phoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laughing_Phoenix/gifts).



**TO: Case Manager**

**FROM: Evolution**

**SUBJECT: Holiday Party!!!**

 

So it’s July, and I know it’s a bit early to start planning, but I was wandering through Walmart and saw that they already had their Christmas decorations out and that got me thinking about Christmas. Specifically, it got me thinking that we should throw a holiday party that’ll be remembered for eons to come!

 

Thoughts?

 

**TO: Evolution**

**FROM: Case Manager**

**SUBJECT: RE: Holiday Party!!!**

 

It’s July, Evolution. Get outside and enjoy the fresh air. Take a dip in the local watering hole. Worry about holiday parties when it’s NOT ninety degrees out and sunny.

 

 Just because Walmart has decided to skip over Halloween and Thanksgiving does not mean that we are going to reward such zealous marketing attempts.

 

And as interesting as holiday parties are, we have more pressing matters. Like where are the three new species you promised me over the weekend? I let you go home early on Friday on the assumption that you would get those to me, not spend the entire weekend wandering the aisles of Walmart.

 

**TO: Case Manager**

**FROM: Evolution**

**SUBJECT: You’re no fun**

 

Poof! Three species just for you.

 

Candy Cane Corn Snake:

 

 

Elf Owl:

 

 

 **Santa** Ana Sucker:

****

 

 

**TO: Evolution**

**FROM: Case Manager**

**SUBJECT: And you are stubborn**

 

Very subtle there, Evolution. Very subtle.

 

**TO: Evolution**

**FROM: Case Manager**

**SUBJECT: RE: You’re no fun**

 

Hey, I did exactly what you asked. And I am a master of subtlety when I want to be. This is what things look like when I am trying to be obvious:

 

 

(just in case that was too subtle for you, the markings spell ‘horse’).

 

Now that that’s out of the way, can we go back to talking about the holiday party now?

 

 

I really have some great ideas!

 

**TO: Evolution**

**CC: Natural Selection**

**FROM: Case Manager**

**SUBJECT: RE: RE: You’re no fun**

 

Evolution, I love you to bits, I really do. Our menagerie of species wouldn’t be half as endearing and creative if not for your efforts. But it’s been over a thousand years and we are still trying to repress the memory of our last holiday party.

 

**To: Evolution**

**CC: Case Manager**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: I vehemently veto this idea**

 

Please, let’s not do that again. I’m still working on scrubbing some of those organisms from the gene pool and fear I will never be done.

 

Some creatures were never meant to walk the Earth. Evolution, you gave rise to many such animals that ill-fated night. There’s a reason we tag-team babysitting you at any event where there will be alcohol present. Or at the very least confiscate your key to the office until you’ve sobered up.

 

**To: Case Manager, Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: I whole-heartedly endorse this idea**

 

Seriously, it was one night guys. And alcohol gets my creative juices flowing! Some of my favorite species came from that night.

 

Remember this charmer? He’s not a regular caterpillar, he’s a *fancy* fellow. The tobacco hornworm rocks a lovely horn that few of his compatriots could hold a match to. SEE?!?! Alcohol is a positive force in the universe <3

 

 

**To: Evolution**

**CC: Case Manager**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: I (really, really, really) vehemently veto this idea**

 

That particular specimen is a particularly bright shade of neon green. He (or she, I guess you need both unless you are one of those oddball hermaphroditic creations of yours that can self-mate) goes on to shed its entire skin five times. And if that wasn’t traumatic enough, it then spends almost three weeks locked in a shell undergoing a transformation into a completely contrasting organism.

 

**To: Case Manager, Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: Please?**

 

It gets a three week long nap. Who doesn’t love naps? I think I was doing the fellow a favor. And the saying does go that one must suffer a bit for true beauty. Just look what comes of all that hard work (and napping, napping is hard work). He’s a looker!

 

 

**To: Evolution**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: No. End of story**.

 

Evolution, alcohol is not your friend. Tequila is not your friend. And Vodka should be considered public enemy number one where you are concerned.

 

Remember this keeper?

 

 

**To: Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: RE: No. End of story.**

 

That was one of my best works! It’s a dragon. Everyone loves dragons. Seriously, did you spend your childhood under a rock?

 

**To: Evolution**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: RE: RE: No. End of story.**

 

 _Glaucus atlanticus_ is a slug, not a dragon. And you were so drunk you tried submitting its name in Spanish instead of Latin.

 

It’s a hermaphroditic creature that lives its entire life in the ocean floating up-side-down, occasionally forgoing its regular diet of Man o’War Jellyfish to indulge in a bit of cannibalism. This is not and never will be ok.

 

And if I did have children, this would be something they had nightmares about. They would hide under a rock to get away from this thing and I wouldn’t blame them one bit. Seriously.

 

**To: Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Is Evolution ok?**

He had black drapes hung over the window into his office when I walked by earlier and there seemed to be some really heavy death metal music coming from inside. I hope he’s not taking the veto of his party idea too hard.

**To: Evolution**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Evolution?**

Just wanted to touch base with you since I haven’t seen you in a few days. If you’re sick or something we can extend the deadline for the next batch of species set to be sent to production.

 

**To: Evolution**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Evolution???**

Are you ok? Seriously, no one has seen you in three days and your office door is locked. I’m giving you until the end of the day before I send the howler monkeys rappelling down from the office above to make sure you’re still alive in there.

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: I’m fine**

Leave me alone. Here, this is the barbed dragon fish. He’s a deep ocean species that lures fish in under false pretenses with a bioluminescent photophore and then devours them whole. He doesn’t want friends in life, just food. The world’s a harsh place for some animals.

**To: Evolution, Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Fine**

Evolution, I’m sorry if we hurt your feelings, we didn’t mean to. The holiday party was a great idea.

 

So what the hell, right? Fine, Evolution, have at it, we can do the holiday party. You only live once I suppose.

 

**To: Case Manager, Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: RE: Fine**

You may only live once, which is fine, as long as you reproduce lots and lots of times and make lots of little babies to carry your genetic material into the next generation. That is the meaning of life and all.

 

And THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. <3 You won’t regret this.

 

**To: Case Manager**

**CC: Evolution**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: RE: RE: Fine**

 

We both will regret this about a hundred years from now, I’m sure. But the cat’s out of the bag.

 

**To: Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: RE: RE: RE: Fine**

 

 

Nah, the cat’s still in the bag. I designed them that way, because watching a cat try to contort itself to fit into too small of a container still amuses me after all these years.

 

 

**To: Evolution**

**CC: Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Ground Rules**

Evolution:

 

We are letting you have this party despite our reservations. Please understand that this gala will have rules for everyone’s benefit. This will not be a repeat of parties past. Genetic drift still hasn’t forgiven me even though it was you who spiked the punch.

 

Natural Selection, I’m putting you in charge of catering, deciding on a venue, security, and décor. I’ve already picked the theme, we’re going to do a classic black tie event.

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: Ground Rules**

Natural selection gets all the fun things! What do I get to do?

 

**To: Evolution**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Delegation of Responsibilities**

 

You get to make the guest list. And please, Evolution, keep it classy and use good taste. I expect weekly updates on the invites you’ve sent out. 

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: Invitation List Part I**

 

I’ve been hard at work! Here are some of my latest creations custom tailored to our party theme:

 

 (Aren’t they just the most adorable couple?!?)

 

(Stripes!)

 

(Polka dots!)

 

**To: Evolution**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Color me impressed**

Tastefully designed. Keep up the good work!

 

**To: Case Manager, Evolution**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: Invitation**

I got a proof of the invite done over the weekend and will send to the printer with your approval.

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: Invitation List Part II**

 

 

 

**To:  Evolution**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: RE: Invitation List Part II**

First two look great, but uh…Evolution. The third one there. Was it possibly 3am when you came up with that one? You do know that birds have feathers, not thick coats of fur, right? Are you getting your phylogenetic classes mixed up again? We can review them at our lunch meeting this week if need be. I have a snazzy flow chart and everything. Seriously, I don’t think that thing can see three inches in front of its beak. Can we rethink this one please?

 

**To:  Case Manager**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: RE: RE: Invitation List Part II**

You gave me two criteria, black and white. The silkie chicken fits both.

 

Black:

 

 

And white:

And it’s soft. Everyone loves soft things. It stays! Already invited him, you can’t take it back :P

**To:  Evolution**

**CC: Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: RE: RE: RE: Invitation List Part II**

Effective immediately all organisms must undergo an internal review prior to final approval. Evolution, please forward all preliminary designs to both Natural Selection and me. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: I am not Evolution’s Keeper**

 

I am not Evolution’s keeper. You cannot be trying to saddle me with that particular responsibility _again._ We tried this during the Jurassic Period. I wanted a reptile. He wanted a porcupine. This is what he sent out into the world. Please remember that it took a giant flaming  meteor and a mass extinction to fix this ill-fated venture. I keep this picture on my wall as an example of what we are trying to avoid. There’s a reason our offices are on opposite sides of the building, two floors apart.  Please rethink this collaboration.

 

 

**To: Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: You [are] Evolution’s Keeper**

Because I said so. Happy trails! Someone’s got to do it and there are perks to being in charge. If you can keep him from putting more blue genitalia or obnoxiously pink butts into the world I’ll call it a success. I’m not expecting miracles.

 

**To:  Case Manager**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: Invitation List Part III**

 

 

**To: Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: FWD: Invitation List Part III**

Fix this please? The second one looks like someone dipped a banana into a vat of paint and glued it to this poor creature’s face.

 

**To: Evolution**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: REVISED: Invitation List Part III**

 

Evolution-

 

First one looks great, I thought the second one could use some minor revisions. Here’s the new version:

 

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: REVISED: Invitation List Part III**

I did the best I could. Evolution has the easy end of things, throw a few mutations here and there, get some crazy conglomeration of traits. It takes me awhile to whittle those eccentricities back a bit. I tried to get rid of the color but the base change on the DNA sequence ended up giving it a third eye. Thus I discovered that mutations were best left to evolution. I’ll stick with survival of the fittest.

 

I gave it another go and this is what I got. At least the weight of its beak won’t have it toppling forward.

 

**To: Case Manager, Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: A helping hand**

Hey guys!

 

The invitation list has been going so well I thought I could help out with some of the other plans. I was thinking that the venue could use a little interior decorating so I whipped up the Bower Bird. He does fabulous work. I can vouch for his skill, I let him decorate my bachelor pad and he has quite the eye for color.

 

****

And then I got to thinking how all the best fancy parties have an official photographer and I thought, ‘hey! I can help with this!’ So here’s a fish that doubles as a tripod, please inform the photographer he can leave his as home. This fish should do quite swimmingly.

 

 

And this lovely fellow is the hagfish. He’s the assistant for the interior decorator since birds don’t have hands and all, I figured he could use the help. I know that traditionally you’d do red velvet ribbons to decorate the hall, but I came up with a suitable improvisation. This guy exudes a slime, then ties himself in a knot to detach it from his skin to escape from a predator’s grasp. I figured we could hang it from the walls.

 

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: He’s gone off the rails, train wreck imminent**

I blame you for this. You’re the one that opened Pandora’s Box. I fixed the last F.U.B.A.R., this one is all yours.

 

**To: Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: RE: He’s gone off the rails, train wreck imminent**

I’ll work on it. I have no words…

 

I think we can at least stick the tripod fish (and maybe the hagfish?) in a deep sea vent somewhere. It’s Mother Nature’s basement for hiding all the in-laws you never want your friends to meet. Or organisms you want to let see the light of day. I’ll fill out the transfer papers this afternoon.

 

**To: Case Manger**

**CC: Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: No news is good news?**

Hey guys!

 

I’m going to take the lack of response to my last submissions as a silent approval (because I’m an optimist and rejections are sad!). So since you guys liked the last bunch so much, I figured you must appreciate all of my assistance.

 

I know the hagfish was a bit off hue from the black and white theme, but he’ll be so useful for set-up. I promise I’ll rein it in and focus more on target for our theme. Black and white, right? Well I was trying for black and white, and the Long-Eared Jerboa has some black and some white. And a bit of brown, that mutation must have snuck into the mix somehow. But I got the important phenotypic trait right, this fellow has big ears. I figure he can listen for the doorbell for the guests as they arrive.

 

 

And I wanted to revisit the revision that Natural Selection sent me for an earlier creation. It seemed like that critter was missing something. Don’t worry, I figured it out. Fancy eyebrows make everything more beautiful. If he braids those up for the party the ladies will be flocking to his side.

 

 

**To: Case Manger**

**CC: Natural Selection**

**From: Evolution**

**Subject: This Holiday Party Will Be OFF THE HOOK!**

Hey guys, I was chatting with Genetic Drift over the water cooler while I waited for my lunch to heat up in the microwave the other day and he mentioned that you hadn’t sent the invitation to the printer yet. I decided to revise it. The black and white theme just seems like it had been done too many times. Here’s the new version, I took the liberty of sending it to the printer. I imagine that you guys will be quite pleased.

 

 

And with the new theme, I was going to save these species for an Easter release, since Easter eggs are so colorful and I thought they would go well, but I think this is the perfect event for an unveiling.

 

King Vulture

 

 

Pink Fairy Armadillo

 

 

Hope you guys enjoy!

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: Raise the White Flag**

I surrender. I don’t think you could dig your way out of this one even with the claws on that armadillo thing. Our goose is cooked.

 

This is why we cannot have nice things.

 

**To: Natural Selection**

**From: Case Manager**

**Subject: Any ideas?**

Any ideas? Serious ones please, this cannot stand.

 

**To: Case Manager**

**From: Natural Selection**

**Subject: RE: Any Ideas**

Yep, I have a great one. Can’t beat them? Join them. I mailed the revised invites out today, all 3,000 of them had been delivered to my office by the time I got in this morning.

 

FYI: You won’t have to worry about Evolution spiking the punch at the holiday party this year. I claim that honor all for myself. I also hired a bar tender for the gala just in case the punch wasn’t enough to render me totally oblivious to the night’s proceedings. Here’s to hoping it’s a total blur the day afterwards. I’d rather spare myself the psychological trauma.

 

**To: Evolution**

**CC: Case Manager**

**Subject: Looks GREAT!!!**

 

Hey Evolution! I love the new invitations. I mailed them out this morning and think everyone will be as surprised by it as I was. In celebration of tying up the loose ends on this party planning here’s a few contributions of my own to the roster for the party:

 

 

 

Happy Holidays guys. I must say, haven’t had a dull day in the office since I got here. Keep an eye out for me at the holiday party, I’ll be wearing my best bell bottoms, a metallic dress shirt, and a hot pink wig. Somehow, I think I’ll fit right in.

 

Sincerely,

Natural Selection


End file.
